Saturday, September 8, 2012

Meltdown Mummyhearts style

I had a mini meltdown at the hospital today.

Sebastian is doing great. Really great. There is nothing wrong with him, when he finally hits the last milestone of being able to take every feed as a bottle instead of through an IV he will be able to come home. Slowly he  has progressed from 3 bottles per day, to 4, to alternate bottle/IV feeds. Now we are up to the stage where we let him set the pace, and more often than not he is having a bottle.
My little family. Lolly is just desperate to touch Seb
At night time when the nurses feed him he has all bottles. And drinks the whole bottle. In the evening when Husband feeds him he has a bottle and drinks the lot. I do all the day feeds. And I have yet to be able to get him to drink a whole bottle once. Not once. I didn't realise at first that I was the only one with this issue. I blamed it on the bath I might have given him. He had used all his energy on the bath and didn't have any left to suck. Or maybe he was just particularly active at night and sleepy during the day.
Husband comes home each evening smug with his efforts. I feel like he and the nurses are exchanging notes. When I had a hissy today about not being able to get the last 20 mls into Seb the nurse quite sweetly told me that no-one else has a problem. She suggested that maybe I need to improve my feeding technique. I may or may not have had violent thoughts at that moment.
He's my third child! I know how to feed a baby. But that doesn't stop me listening to all the tips that every second nurse wants to offer up. I will try everything, I'm not too proud to learn, but for the most part no-one seems to think I am doing anything wrong. The only suggestions they offer are things I am trying anyway. But I am getting discouraged and unhappy. I feel like its my fault now that my boy is still in hospital. Because if I could get my act together and feed him properly maybe he would be home.

Hence the meltdown.

And I know that thoughts like this are dangerous. These are the kinds of thoughts that led me down a path of post natal depression with Maddy. I DON'T have PND this time around, I understand the difference, but I am emotional and unhappy. I want my boy home, and I don't want to be the reason he is in hospital. Part of me doesn't want to go back to feed him tomorrow, because if I stay away maybe the nurses will be able to give him all his bottles and we will get closer to getting him home. But I'm scared to do that too because then once he's home he will suffer a setback because I can't feed him properly.

I just want him home. And I want to be capable of looking after him.

Have you ever felt like you can't look after your own child? Please share. I will stop tearing up if I can read other peoples success stories

1 comment:

  1. You have to keep going Elise. I know you know that. My bro wont be at home all the time to feed him. I think he just knows that your his mum and he can be a little bit of a trouble maker with you lol.


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