Sunday, February 12, 2012

My Rollercoaster Week

I've been back at work for a week. I've known I was pregnant for a little over a week.
Surprise!
I'm pregnant. With our 3rd baby. Husband and I are still trying to figure out how we managed that one. Purely accidental. We wanted a 3rd child, but there was no intention to start trying till much later 2012. Maybe August/September.
Despite being on maternity leave for 9 months, it felt like I never left. Old issues still exist, new issues seem like I have been involved since day one.
I've spent the week in a fog, my energy completely drained. If I'm not at work, I've been sleeping which seemed crazy. Getting up at 5:30 isn't that big a deal. I used to do it all the time. Hell, I'm the mother of a young baby, sleep deprived is what I do. Blood test results yesterday confirm that I'm anaemic, again, and need to boost my Iron and Vitamin D. Its unbelievable, but I could actually feel the difference in my awareness and energy today now that I've been taking my tablets.
I feel awful for my poor Lolly. She has become velcro baby, unwilling to leave my hip. My returning to work would be part of that, but my absence every evening as I fell into bed the minute I got home would be contributing. Maddy is taking it in her stride so far but has made a few sad little comments about me working so much like I used to. This week should be better now that I'm on my various vitamins.
Am I depressing you? I'm depressing me. I've shared my secret with a few close people. Sisters, close friend. That's about it. Not even the Grandmothers know yet. Rationally I know that we want a 3rd baby so this is a blessing. So I will celebrate. Eventually. But I am one of life planners, and I feel like I need to get sorted in my mind where the baby fits into the jigsaw of our family. Financially, physically, time, all of that. But I can't do any of that till I find out if I have a job past April. I'm reapplying for my job at work, along with everyone else in my position, but because there are 65 roles impacted (significantly reduced from prior numbers) applications and interviewing are expected to take up till April. Too long for me to keep the baby a secret so it doesn't play a part in the review process. I don't think I would be capable of keeping it a secret anyway. I've always been upfront with my bosses and I would dread looking them in the eye if I waited till April to say something.
I know technically that I can't be discriminated against for being pregnant. No-one would ever admit that that is the reason I don't get placed. But I can't help being scared. Despite the payout, a redundancy right now would leave me unemployed and not really in a position to find another job. What employer would take me on with my belly far out in front of me clearly with a deadline ahead of me. And the same applies internally, what Head of Department will pick me out of the candidate pool when they know I'll be gone by September?
Pregnancy announcements should be more cheerful than this, right? I'll be cheerful later when I know what is going on with us financially. Job or jobless, I will be able to really start to celebrate when I know what I am doing next.
For now, I think getting this written is the first step for me in clearing my mind of how I feel.

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